~*~
I want to live life, and never be cruel
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And I wanna fly
I'll never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we no, no
We never learn do we
So I wanna live, in a wooden house
I wanna live life, and always be true
I wanna live life, and be good to you
And I wanna fly
But never come down
And live my life
And have friends around
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So I wanna live in a wooden house
And making more friends would be easy
Oh, and I don't have a soul to save
Yes and I sin every single day
We never change do we
We never learn do we
So I want to live in a wooden house
Where making more friends would be easy
I wanna live where the sun comes out
~*~

I've learned some interesting things (of course by accident) the past couple of years. How to tell the difference between different baby cries, for example. Hungry, sleepy, pain, or just plain whining. It's funny how young they are when they start whining...

I don't always want to talk. I don't always have things to say. But I do enjoy just being in the company of a good friend, sometimes. Especially in the evenings.

March Musings

"Good things come to those who wait."
I think that's true. I also think it's true that knowledge comes to those to wait. That understanding comes. That patience develops, that strength grows, that love swells in the breast that doesn't become bitter with the waiting.

I have learned so much from //watching// and ..waiting..
(and it has been very, very worth it)

-

At some point or other Jo March, full to bursting with pride and awe of Margaret, says to either Marmee or Teddy, I don't remember which, "I'm a little bit in love with her sometimes."

Words and phrases and just our language in general means so many things to each individual person...but I think I must have something of the same understanding of Louisa May and her characters. I know exactly what Jo means! Leaving any modern slant of romance out of the picture, I fall a little bit in love with people all of the time. I think it's just part of my personality, and how I relate to beauty and art and love.

I'm in love with Manda when I walk in and she's cooking dinner and taking care of two babies at the same time. I'm in love with Kevin when his fingers dance over the keys in a favoured showtune, and I'm in love with Hannah when I see how much she's in love with Kevin. I'm a little in love with Rebekah when she sits at her piano and sings Regina Spektor or plays Paul Simon on guitar, and I'm very much in love with Rachel when I watch her dance. I'm in love with Abigail when she stands naturally pigeon-toed, and with my mother when she puts the wants and needs of her family before herself. I'm in love with Jason Call when he pours his soul into a song on the Atlee stage, and I'm in love with Teddy when I stand in the back of a room watching him be easy, graceful, funny, and winsome in front of a large group of people who adore him. Every time Steponine walks into a room I fall in love with her, and every time Naomi opens her mouth I'm a little bit more in love with her. I'm in love with Danny Elfman after I see "Alice in Wonderland" or listen to "Jack's Lament." I'm in love with Chris Martin when he dances like a dweeb or sings "Fix You" and with Kyle Rodgers when he sings //anything.//

And I think I shall continue to fall in love with people, whether I know them or not. I'm glad I've been blessed with ability to do so. It makes my life happy.

[Let us just hope I don't stumble across a very sinister musical genius who croons and plays piano. I am constantly falling in love with crooning musicians, and if one of them were to form wicked designs against me while simultaneously wooing, I don't know if I'd make it out alive.

~_^]

[to the children]

ten years, twenty years, gone
[i've learned a little- not too much]
enough
don't listen to them, child, when the voices tell you
that loving isn't worth it
that the tears aren't worth it
< < the heartbreak isn't worth it
you can do so much better > >
the tears are real. no escaping.
your heart is going to break because you love so bad.
keep loving when you don't want to, when it hurts
because they lied- love isn't what you feel
what you see, or how fast your heart beats
love is making lunch
playing chauffeur
[or playing pretend]
love is telling the truth when you don't want to
and being ok with making them mad at you
it's crying with
laughing with
and being there.
it's always giving, and waiting out the storms
sometimes it's more patience than you thought you had. [but The Giver always
gives you more if you ask]

oh, child, the sun is worth the storms.

weather the rain
and lightening
and howling winds. love repays itself.
the sacrifice is worth it. the giving is worth it.
relationships are worth it.
love is worth love; it is its own reward.

I am ok with not being very beautiful, with not having a boyfriend, and with my slight boyish figure. Because life is about love.
[the one that remains. the greatest]

Because I have a little sister. She is probably the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in the whole world, and she writes songs and plays them for me on her piano. She listens to people, even people she doesn't like, and has more patience with friends who treat her badly than I do.

And I have a brother. He is a Major in the airforce, graduated from undergraduate college and flight school, got married to a beautiful girl, and is now going after his Master's. He fixes cars, flies planes, and thoroughly investigates the properties of excellent diamonds before proposing. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known.

And I have a big sister. The most beautiful sister would probably actually result in a tie. She has red hair and muddy eyes and tattoos. She is strong, and used to be drowning in things I've never experienced. And she is a mother.

And I have a little brother. He has blue eyes, darker than mine. He used to be little, awkward, generally suspected of even greater awkwardness, and maybe a little lonely. Now he is tall and beautiful and one of the best dancers I know. Being the sibling closest to my age, he is my best friend. He is a good listener.

And I have a big brother, my most affectionate sibling, who plays & talks video games, music, films, and grand schemes with me. He and I don't fight even when we disagree.

---

My life is blessed and beautiful.
(=snow, good professors, loving parents, platonic kisses, long, comfortable talks by the fire)

/project/

"It's like the waltz, except you start to the side."

Garishi tentatively held Hikaru in closed position. She had already convinced Garishi to waltz, so the next logical step was rumba, they figured.

"To the left side?" he asked, reasonably self-conscious. Hikaru and Kaede were trying to get him to take ballroom dancing classes like they were. He was something of their project, of late.

Kaede sat on the bed with a bowl of moose tracks. "You'll always start to the left," She took a bite, smiling into her spoon. "Or, at least, with your left foot."

Garishi kind of nodded absently and readjusted his hold on Hikaru.

"Try it for a while without music," Kaede proffered.

"Quick-quick-slow," reminded Hikaru, her eyes roughly level with Garishi's.

And they danced. While Kaede talked from the bed. (with her ice cream)

First, my older brothers and older friends starting pairing off, getting married. And that was weird, because...you know, we're all the same generation and whatnot. Then it became the norm for my peers to date, find a significant other, etc. Weirder. The methods of some I respect more than others, surely, and I must say all in all I have never envied their position. It's a lot of work and a lot of drama.

Oh, but now...now it's the little kids. Now it's the kids who, in all reality are very close to my own age, but feel like the "next batch down" - if you will. Coupling, dating, planning their weddings....whatever. It's weird.

But the thing is- I could have a boyfriend if I really wanted to. I've had guys interested in me. But that's not what it's about, that's not enough. (and trust me, most of them have been people who have barely known me as a person) I want to enter into a relationship when I can give as much as I take, when it's at a time in my life I can devote to working at it...when it's for more than "well isn't that cute."

I'm pretty sure I'm a real person (though always growing, always learning, of course). So I'm ready. But I keep forgetting about having a boyfriend. This is a good sign, I think.

I Dislike:
Being relegated to the frontseat.
Feeling helpless in a science class.
Laptops and earphones on roadtrips.
Pride (especially in myself).
Trying, and trying, and nothing ever happening.
When life isn't fair to people I admire.
When children are expected to behave as adults after being treated like infants.
Not fitting comfortably in places where I used to fit.
Uncertainty.