[to the children]

ten years, twenty years, gone
[i've learned a little- not too much]
enough
don't listen to them, child, when the voices tell you
that loving isn't worth it
that the tears aren't worth it
< < the heartbreak isn't worth it
you can do so much better > >
the tears are real. no escaping.
your heart is going to break because you love so bad.
keep loving when you don't want to, when it hurts
because they lied- love isn't what you feel
what you see, or how fast your heart beats
love is making lunch
playing chauffeur
[or playing pretend]
love is telling the truth when you don't want to
and being ok with making them mad at you
it's crying with
laughing with
and being there.
it's always giving, and waiting out the storms
sometimes it's more patience than you thought you had. [but The Giver always
gives you more if you ask]

oh, child, the sun is worth the storms.

weather the rain
and lightening
and howling winds. love repays itself.
the sacrifice is worth it. the giving is worth it.
relationships are worth it.
love is worth love; it is its own reward.

I am ok with not being very beautiful, with not having a boyfriend, and with my slight boyish figure. Because life is about love.
[the one that remains. the greatest]

Because I have a little sister. She is probably the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in the whole world, and she writes songs and plays them for me on her piano. She listens to people, even people she doesn't like, and has more patience with friends who treat her badly than I do.

And I have a brother. He is a Major in the airforce, graduated from undergraduate college and flight school, got married to a beautiful girl, and is now going after his Master's. He fixes cars, flies planes, and thoroughly investigates the properties of excellent diamonds before proposing. He is one of the hardest workers I have ever known.

And I have a big sister. The most beautiful sister would probably actually result in a tie. She has red hair and muddy eyes and tattoos. She is strong, and used to be drowning in things I've never experienced. And she is a mother.

And I have a little brother. He has blue eyes, darker than mine. He used to be little, awkward, generally suspected of even greater awkwardness, and maybe a little lonely. Now he is tall and beautiful and one of the best dancers I know. Being the sibling closest to my age, he is my best friend. He is a good listener.

And I have a big brother, my most affectionate sibling, who plays & talks video games, music, films, and grand schemes with me. He and I don't fight even when we disagree.

---

My life is blessed and beautiful.
(=snow, good professors, loving parents, platonic kisses, long, comfortable talks by the fire)

/project/

"It's like the waltz, except you start to the side."

Garishi tentatively held Hikaru in closed position. She had already convinced Garishi to waltz, so the next logical step was rumba, they figured.

"To the left side?" he asked, reasonably self-conscious. Hikaru and Kaede were trying to get him to take ballroom dancing classes like they were. He was something of their project, of late.

Kaede sat on the bed with a bowl of moose tracks. "You'll always start to the left," She took a bite, smiling into her spoon. "Or, at least, with your left foot."

Garishi kind of nodded absently and readjusted his hold on Hikaru.

"Try it for a while without music," Kaede proffered.

"Quick-quick-slow," reminded Hikaru, her eyes roughly level with Garishi's.

And they danced. While Kaede talked from the bed. (with her ice cream)

First, my older brothers and older friends starting pairing off, getting married. And that was weird, because...you know, we're all the same generation and whatnot. Then it became the norm for my peers to date, find a significant other, etc. Weirder. The methods of some I respect more than others, surely, and I must say all in all I have never envied their position. It's a lot of work and a lot of drama.

Oh, but now...now it's the little kids. Now it's the kids who, in all reality are very close to my own age, but feel like the "next batch down" - if you will. Coupling, dating, planning their weddings....whatever. It's weird.

But the thing is- I could have a boyfriend if I really wanted to. I've had guys interested in me. But that's not what it's about, that's not enough. (and trust me, most of them have been people who have barely known me as a person) I want to enter into a relationship when I can give as much as I take, when it's at a time in my life I can devote to working at it...when it's for more than "well isn't that cute."

I'm pretty sure I'm a real person (though always growing, always learning, of course). So I'm ready. But I keep forgetting about having a boyfriend. This is a good sign, I think.

I Dislike:
Being relegated to the frontseat.
Feeling helpless in a science class.
Laptops and earphones on roadtrips.
Pride (especially in myself).
Trying, and trying, and nothing ever happening.
When life isn't fair to people I admire.
When children are expected to behave as adults after being treated like infants.
Not fitting comfortably in places where I used to fit.
Uncertainty.

[I am]

I am pensive, and a talker. I am a Handmaid. I am student of dance. I am a teacher of dance. I am a student of theatre. I am a director. I am a student of French. I am a teacher of French. I am one of the boys. I am the big sister. I am the motherly influence. I am the one with the mischievous plot. I watch animes, cartoons, war films, romances, epics, zombie movies. I read "Lord of the Rings" "Eragon" "Twilight" and "Shakespeare". I know the basics of knitting a scarf and playing the bass guitar. I listen to NPR, U2, Mozart, Muse, Coldplay, Mutemath. I like rap music and Celtic Woman. I forget about shoes, but then become excited over a good pair of boots. I am everyone's friend and no one's lover. I am everything.

[and, consequently, nothing.]

...



.....at least I know that I am His.

[are you my mother?]

I am sitting in the little glass room where the boys prep for callbacks. They're singing along with a cd player and prompting me to listen to them sing "Now I Have Everything" - since it's unfamiliar. Unfortunately, I am also unfamiliar with it, so I can't sing Hodel's bit along with them. It is a short and comfortable snippet out of the day.

I am sitting at a round table surrounded by Nazis and poker chips. It is nice to have the free time. It is nice to play Texas Hold-em after a long personal poker lull. It is nice to drink from my huge water bottle and make shifty eyes at the boys. I'm the Revered Mother, and my bluffs are very subtle. Not the kind of mother, though, who fusses at her boys for playing cards.

I am at the host stand in the restaurant, snatching up a few menus before leading a small party to their table. Before I start walking off, I catch the eye of the tallest in a group of boys in the far end of the foyer. I grin and wave at them, then remember to seat the first customers. After seating my personal boys, I happily go about busing and cleaning with a new spring in my step. I smile at Ben when I go into the kitchen, because he's straight in my line of vision. I come up and share Patrick's seat when I get bored and no customers come in. And they, like angels, let my starving self sample their steak and shrimp.

I am a Wendy; I am a Jo. I start to wither away when I don't get enough time with my fellows. I think I would even learn to darn socks someday...if I had a dozen boys to get holes in them.